Your values are deeper and much more constant than goals.

• Goals can be ticked off on a list.

• Values are like the points on the compass that orient us in life, even when we can’t meet a goal.

Setting goals can give us a sense of direction. Achieving goals can give us a sense of satisfaction. But goals are quite different to values. Unfortunately, a life driven mostly by goals can also give us the constant feeling of falling short or failing.

So much in life is out of our control really. It’s taken me a long time to accept the truth of this – I hope you work it out quicker than I did! Society around us is constantly saying that we should be in control, and that if we fail to meet our goals, it’s because we didn’t try hard enough, or weren’t clever enough, or didn’t have the right mindset.

Setting goals has a place, but it helps to hold goals lightly. The best kind of goals shift and change, as you respond flexibly to life’s changing demands. When we are unable to meet a goal, it helps to think about the values that lie underneath that goal. There are usually many ways to live by those same values in your situation, even if you are unable to achieve that particular goal.

There is an example here about not being able to meet the goal of breastfeeding your baby, which can be very upsetting, and how turning to your values can get you through.

Recommended resourcs

Values vs goals by Dr Russ Harris

Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.